Angry Mobs Storm The Streets Of Pittsburgh With Pitchforks and Torches After Local Amusement Park Changes The Cheese Sauce Recipe For Their Potato Patch French Fries
PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — It hit Western Pennsylvania like a massive cheddar sauce tsunami: social media abuzz over what happened regarding Kennywood park’s world-famous Potato Patch fries, specifically their cheese fries.
Sandra Calloway was one of many to notice and take to the world wide web, decrying an apparent cheese change at the popular food stand.
“I’m pretty passionate about my cheese. I knew immediately. They changed it. Ruined my day. Everybody was complaining about it,” Calloway told KDKA’s Ross Guidotti.
The whole ordeal left such a bad taste in her mouth, Calloway took to Facebook, posting, “yall this not potato patch cheese.”
One school of thought would say this is a massive overreaction, a dramatic sign of the times in an obesity-stricken America. Fat people with Doritos crumbs on their solid color t-shirts that came in a 3-pack draped across their fat bellies hanging down to their fat thighs covered by elastic waist mesh shorts, pitchforks and torches in hand as they march through the streets on their little stubby fat legs with plain white calf socks and New Balance trainers on their fat little fat feet – all because a theme park changed the cheese on their french fries. It’s like the image you would transpose to alien life through SETI to depict the current state of human society.
That school of thought can fuck themselves. Some things are bigger than they appear, and the cheese sauce on the Potato Patch french fries at Kennywood is one such issue. In a world full of misery and dread, it’s one thing that has been guaranteed to bring joy to millions of Pittsburgians annually.
What the fuck is there to be happy about? Seriously. Name something that makes you happy. Is it politics? Is it your student loans? Is it your credit card debt and the raising interest rate on it? Is it your wife that hates your guts? Is it your girlfriend who Call Her Daddy says is 100% cheating on you? Is it your kids that are sucking the life out of you and your bank account? Is it the internet? Is it your social media accounts full of people telling you to fuck and kill yourself or kill and fuck yourself, either order is fine? Is it your bad back and your bad joints and your overall aging body that reminds you every single morning you wake up you’ll never be young again and every single time you open your eyes you’re one day closer to being dead? Is it your dog? It’s probably your dog. It’s your dog and that’s it.
So yeah, maybe to you, the fucking idiot optimist, if you exist – maybe to you something as simple as the cheese sauce on potato patch french fries seems like a dumb thing to complain about. Maybe you think there are soooo many problems in the world that need our energy and attention that are more important than the cheese sauce on potato patch french fries. Me…I know the importance of the small creature comforts that bring us just a tiny amount of joy in our otherwise awful soul-sucking lives. I know the importance of having that one consistent thing that you can always depend on to bring a smile to your face. While everything changes all around you, there’s that one constant, the thing you know will make your miserable existence just a tiny bit worth it, if even for only a couple of minutes.
So yes I stand with the fatasses of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
Bring the fucking cheese sauce back you smug fucking kangaroo.
Voices: heard.